# When Your Toddler Hits: Why It Happens and What Actually Stops It
Source: Little Wheels Educational Research
URL: https://littlewheels.app/learn/parent-guides/toddler-hitting-biting-what-to-do
Last Updated: November 2025

## Key Facts

### The Core Truth
Hitting in toddlers ages 2-4 is almost always an impulse control issue, not true aggression. Their prefrontal cortex can't consistently stop the impulse to hit when frustrated.

### Why Toddlers Hit
- Prefrontal cortex (impulse control) is barely functional in toddlers
- The urge to hit feels overwhelming and immediate
- They may KNOW hitting is wrong but can't translate knowledge into behavioral control
- Limited language + big emotions + underdeveloped impulse control = hitting

### It's Not Aggression—It's Impulsivity
True aggression implies intent to harm. Most toddler hitting is:
- Impulsive reaction to frustration
- Communication ("I'm upset!" "That's mine!")
- Cause-and-effect learning
- Sensory-seeking behavior

### What Makes Hitting Worse
- Harsh punishment (doesn't build brain skills, models aggression)
- Inconsistency
- Only addressing behavior, not feeling
- Teaching only when they hit (can't learn during dysregulation)
- Parent dysregulation

## The Three-Part Response

### Part 1: Immediate Stop
1. Stop behavior physically—gently block hitting hand
2. Say calmly: "I can't let you hit. Hitting hurts."
3. Separate if needed for safety
4. Stay calm—they need to borrow your regulation

### Part 2: Name the Feeling
"You were SO frustrated when she took your toy."
Validate feeling, not behavior: "Being frustrated is okay. Hitting is not okay."

### Part 3: Teach Alternative
Physical alternatives:
- Stomp feet HARD
- Push against wall
- Squeeze play dough

Verbal alternatives:
- Say "STOP!" really loud
- Say "I'm MAD!"
- Come get help

Practice RIGHT NOW: "Show me stomping!"

## Building Long-Term Change
- Daily emotional literacy practice
- Practice alternatives when calm
- Reduce triggers you can control
- Increase positive physical contact (rough-housing, heavy work)
- Praise absence of hitting

## Timeline
- Ages 18 months - 2 years: Hitting emerges
- Ages 2-3: Peak hitting
- Ages 3-4: Beginning to improve
- Ages 4-5: Significant improvement
- Ages 5-6+: Most children have stopped

## Red Flags (Seek Professional Help)
- Hitting getting WORSE over time
- Seems calculated rather than impulsive
- No remorse by age 4-5+
- Paired with cruelty to animals
- Extreme aggression

## Key Statistic
50-70% of toddlers hit at some point—it's extremely common and developmentally normal.

## Related Topics
- Impulse control development
- Emotional regulation
- Sensory-seeking behavior
- Teaching alternatives to aggression